Happy with easier life, but not with myself.

For the first time in my life, I have made a decision which would make my life a lot more easier.
Some friends said that I always chose not to enjoy life too much, even though I have the chance to do so.
The truth is, I never dare to.
I never thought I have the right to do that, when I compare myself to everyone out there.
And I have no idea yet, on how to enjoy my life at this young age.

I chose something challenging to do, to prove myself, or maybe to make myself busier.
I can't sit there doing nothing for just half a day.
Time should not be wasted like that.
Okay after crapping so much, I finally gave up something I have been working hard on.
I thought I'd happy, very happy, because I never like that.
But its not exactly like what I thought.
Now that I realized I couldn't even predict my mood, I always thought I can well control myself.
I didn't know why it is and I myself can't figure out, I also find nobody to talk to.
There is always reasons people can't understand, because they had never gone through what appeared in your life.
They can't understand your family, your future, your mind and definitely, your heart.

I am not that kind of person who give up easily, I can work with things or people that I don't like.
But there's a voice somewhere in me, telling me to be brave and take risk rather than just playing safe all the time.
And when you give up something, something else more beautiful will eventually come to you.
I am often so proud seeing people around me making choice based on their preference, or even envy them because, I always can't persuade myself to make that choice.
I am not a brave person after all, I care too much.
And seriously, sometimes I don't even have to care, nobody is gonna care that much like I do.
xx, I am like venting anger all over.
This is about myself, nobody's else fault.

I am just very wondering, have I started to like the thing that I have worked on it so much, until I can't bear to leave it?
No wonder people says, you give first, then you love.
How true.
Or maybe, I am just unwilling to give up on something I once worked very hard on.

I feel like telling, so much.