No regrets.

I hope everything turns out fine, for I am willing to make an effort.

I know its never easy. 

Life is good, so just stay simple and nice.

I appreciate what God has given me, and I have no regrets no matter what happens.

Finally home.

Officially finished my A-level.
I wish to give you a Hooray but yeah, it just lasted for a day or two.
Now I am going to face new challenge, new revolution and of course, new work.
Not so freeman anyway, maybe just no need to worry about myself not working hard enough to get good grades.

Its so difficult to leave people you just started to love.
You would miss them like hell.
I tried to prevent this by keeping myself in room all the time, but still, it happened.
Some amazing people just came out like that when I least expected, when I am about to leave.
And we had to say goodbye without really realizing how time slipped away.
I guess life is like this, we are all forced to face what we don't want to.

I am an independent kid and you know, I always love freedom.
Don't tie me because I won't be sitting tight right beside you.
The more you let me go, the more I want to come back, the more I'd appreciate you.
By the way for people who concern, I am home. :)

学着接受

How amazing it is to fall asleep with someone like this beside you, giving you all the secured feeling.
:))

长这么大，我才理解相处和相惜需要的是接受，不是忍受。
只有接受才是双赢，也才不会有受不了而爆发的一天。

If I have nothing at all

I really wish to put everything aside and change everything I have been doing, wanting and hoping.

I want to change everything. I really don't want to live for future anymore.

I have a sneaky mind. 

I feel like screwing up what I own now so that I have nothing, and I'd have to start everything all over again.

I need to see what would I become if I have nothing at all.

Don't have to talk so much.

Sometimes you have to value yourself this much.
Because you are simply this great, despite that some people might want to pull you down so they can have control over you.
To show them that you have full control over yourself, show them your values and, how much you value yourself.
Of course, you must have your true power.

xxxxxxxx

I didn't know why it is so hard to be a human being.
The more I want things to be perfect, the more fucked up I am.
Not only you, despite the everyday routine of telling myself I am not that sucks, I am also disappointed with myself.

Sometimes people deny that they changed, perhaps they are afraid to face it.
I denied too.
And fine, I think I have, and I am not sure whether I am changing to better or worse.
I didn't know who to hear from because I simply cannot trust my own judgement anymore.
I tried not to see everything as a big deal, but I can only do it successfully if I am busy dead.
Too bad I am not, for now.
I am turning into some bitch whom I used to despise.
I tried to learn from my old mistakes, but it seems I am making new mistakes again.
This is not I wanted, of course. Can anyone teach me how not to make mistake at all?
How not to hurt anyone, how not to make people disappointed, how to blend in with everyone?
How to make everyone around you happy, how to compromise when there's no win-win, how to be happy and rational at the same time?

People says you don't need to explain to someone who understands you.
I am the one who never tried to be understanding.

I don't know why I am getting more fucked up as I grow.
Like I am not good in dealing everything anymore as I used to be.
So, am I growing or what? F.

I think it lies in me.

How to not care at all, I don't know.
You can't always live in your own world.
I am already brave enough that people close to me are receiving many shocking news of mine lately.

I don't deny not-caring-about-what-people-think characteristic lies in me.
I just need a booster, and perhaps I have found it.
I just need to be more confident.

I didn't know whether its true that I don't care at all when I said I don't care.
I still and will always remember how good people is to me, just I really don't see any future of us.
Maybe yeah, different mind and different ways in life.
I will certainly find some ways to show that I appreciate, to let you know that I care.
But I won't force myself to be perfect for someone anymore, what will stay will stay.

Perfect or imperfect?

I know its hard to realized how imperfect yourself are.
Is there any unconditional love on earth that you don't have to try to be perfect to gain love?

I am not going to be perfect this time.
I don't want to, anymore.
Its even herder to accept the truth that people doesn't love you because you're imperfect.
So why not just show them how imperfect you are from the beginning.

This perfect-or-not thing can no longer beat me down.
Anyway, everyone has different definition for 'perfect'.
So, I don't care anymore.

Blessed to be stupid

I didn't know its good or bad to have someone in your life knowing how clumsy and stupid you are.
Sometimes you aren't that stupid, they treat you like you are a baby and you need their care all the time.
Sometimes you show you are smart, you impress them.
Sometimes something slip your mind and you didn't know you were being stupid, these people suddenly accuse you for acting stupid.
They said you are smart, its impossible that these things can slip your mind.

How should I say?
How blessed it is to be stupid, you know someone would take care of you all the time.
Like they will catch you whenever you fall.
Okay maybe not 'fall', just slip.
How cruel it is to let people feel that when they are already taken care of and they can rely on you no matter what, they still need to be smart.
There is nothing so blissful that you can be stupid all the time.
Somehow you just can't depend on others too much because they won't catch you every time.
You can't feel so safe all the time.

I didn't know what had happened that I am not as smart as before.
Sometimes I think being smart is pathetic. Because being able to be stupid means you have someone right there taking care of you.
I don't want to be some very smart scary women, nobody would want to be that strong.
But sometimes people just don't get you, they don't know if you're stupid in front of them, it means how much you trust them, how much you give them your heart.

I can't describe how sad it is when you already expect so much from yourself, people still blame you for not doing well enough.
I think these are words that can kill.
Its so tiring to be perfectionist as some people will expect extraordinary things from you when they know you are a perfectionist.
They won't forgive you if you make a mistake, because you want perfection, you're not as simple as others.
How I wish I could be more stupid, more innocent, more naive and simpler since I was born.

Haha. You just can't learn to be not-so-smart after you have grown up.

All is well!

Have been in exam mood for quite a long time, all has been well.
Ah no, my mathematics is still sucks as usual.
I pray hard for a good outcome.

:) Giving you a smile here, I'm enjoying this last month in Inti.
Time please go slower, I finally couldn't bear to leave here.
You know what, I have been sleeping so well.
I have been eating well and I realized how could I not controlled by exam.
This feeling is extremely amazing!
I didn't know how to express it here, but I am really grateful.
I want all these to last, that I am approaching a better me.
Thank you, to the person that matters so much to me :))
How I wish to get a picture up here so that you all can get an idea of this.
but yeah, I am too busy to do this Haha.

All is well!
My life is getting more awesome, y'know. :)