Does Malaysia have a good tomorrow?

With my premonition, I went to get my first dose of HPV vaccine at one of the LPPKN clinics which is located in Taman Nusa Bestari, with miss Ho.

I was so angry because we were forced to go back again on another date to get the first dose done.

I am not sure whether its our fault or not to arrive at that clinic when there was only half an hour left until the clinic is closed, I thought it'd be okay because all they need to do is to poke a hole on our arms.

The nurse at the counter gave me an arrogant face, telling me that we came too late.

I said there was half an hour more to 5pm, they said they already closed the space for injection.

I gave them a 'what the hell' face, they immediately rejected me by asking me to fill out some forms at home and forced me to go back on monday morning.

So fine, here was my premonition.

I thought it did not make sense because even if we need to rest for 20 minutes after the injection, there would still be time left until 5pm.

But I can understand that they want to go home fast. It was a world-end-day, they need to spend more time with their family.

So do I.

I went home and vent my anger a bit, then I started to think.

Yeah, I do not want a life like that.

When my earning life starts, the least thing I want is to have the feeling of waiting for the working hours to end fast.

I want to seriously enjoy my work. 

Not to say I do not appreciate my personal time, but I would want to be happy to serve my last customer with all I can even if they're late, a bit.

I also do not want to see myself living for money, I'd still serve my best even if I don't get extra money.

I am praying for that, to keep my pure heart as long as I could.

And there's another thing, I should change my attitude when I meet the same situation next time.

I should just smile and say, 'Kakak, tolong tolong sikit....'

Hope it helps.

Take a chance.

"Your dad makes me sad sometimes. He is a little bad. But if you give me one more chance to choose, I will still marry him."
"The joy he gives me is much more than the pain," my mom said.
I couldn't describe how blessed I am to hear this. :)

You don't know how perfect it is to not trying to be perfect, yet people treasures you like you're a perfect person.
Sometimes good thing happens when you least expected, and when you start trying to be yourself.
Not worrying that people might leave you when they find out your weaknesses is something so AMAZING.

Some risk is worth taking. :D

I don't want to be alone.

Sick, so I went to the doctor to get some medication and make sure that I'd survive before the world ends.
The doctor, who is also my cousin, sat down and asked, "You don't want a life like mine, do you?"
...............
"You can't stop or change your path halfway, you have to hold on until you are satisfied with yourself, and hard work that you have paid off."
"How to judge where is the halfway?"
"Like now, I am still on the halfway." which for me, he is a successful doctor with hundreds of patients go in and out to his clinic everyday.
He earned, now he is 38 years old and he said he is only reaching his halfway.
Oh my goodness.
I just nodded my head, keeping his words in my mind and heart. Oh my goodness.



Some people said its not easy dealing with me.
I know it, I find it hard to deal with myself too.
I want to be simpler, simpler, more simple.

Don't take me for granted, please.
Because when I am willing to take a risk, I trust you with all my heart.

Happy face xoxo

Just wanna show you my happy face to let you know that I am all good. C:

Spend a whole day with family without having to worry about anything, is an extremely awesome thing.

Crazily shopping with my mom, the happier she is, the happier I am. 

HAHA, if you know what I meant. xoxo

Sleeping at home in this entire week was a little weird, I couldn't wake up before 10am everyday.

Nah not a good thing, I am a morning person, waking up early brings me a meaningful day.

If not, I'd be really lazy that you can't expect me to do a thing.

Saw the necklace I was wearing?

It was from my sis. Not for my birthday, not for any special occasion. 

It is a heart shape necklace, it simply means love. Hehee.

I seldom wear a necklace as I don't really enjoy the feeling that something is tying my neck.

I'd have suffocated by imagining it.

But I like receiving it as a gift from my loved ones. If I wear it, then I love you. Lol.

Have an awesome day! 

Thank God for everything :)

No regrets.

I hope everything turns out fine, for I am willing to make an effort.

I know its never easy. 

Life is good, so just stay simple and nice.

I appreciate what God has given me, and I have no regrets no matter what happens.

Finally home.

Officially finished my A-level.
I wish to give you a Hooray but yeah, it just lasted for a day or two.
Now I am going to face new challenge, new revolution and of course, new work.
Not so freeman anyway, maybe just no need to worry about myself not working hard enough to get good grades.

Its so difficult to leave people you just started to love.
You would miss them like hell.
I tried to prevent this by keeping myself in room all the time, but still, it happened.
Some amazing people just came out like that when I least expected, when I am about to leave.
And we had to say goodbye without really realizing how time slipped away.
I guess life is like this, we are all forced to face what we don't want to.

I am an independent kid and you know, I always love freedom.
Don't tie me because I won't be sitting tight right beside you.
The more you let me go, the more I want to come back, the more I'd appreciate you.
By the way for people who concern, I am home. :)

学着接受

How amazing it is to fall asleep with someone like this beside you, giving you all the secured feeling.
:))

长这么大，我才理解相处和相惜需要的是接受，不是忍受。
只有接受才是双赢，也才不会有受不了而爆发的一天。

If I have nothing at all

I really wish to put everything aside and change everything I have been doing, wanting and hoping.

I want to change everything. I really don't want to live for future anymore.

I have a sneaky mind. 

I feel like screwing up what I own now so that I have nothing, and I'd have to start everything all over again.

I need to see what would I become if I have nothing at all.

Don't have to talk so much.

Sometimes you have to value yourself this much.
Because you are simply this great, despite that some people might want to pull you down so they can have control over you.
To show them that you have full control over yourself, show them your values and, how much you value yourself.
Of course, you must have your true power.

xxxxxxxx

I didn't know why it is so hard to be a human being.
The more I want things to be perfect, the more fucked up I am.
Not only you, despite the everyday routine of telling myself I am not that sucks, I am also disappointed with myself.

Sometimes people deny that they changed, perhaps they are afraid to face it.
I denied too.
And fine, I think I have, and I am not sure whether I am changing to better or worse.
I didn't know who to hear from because I simply cannot trust my own judgement anymore.
I tried not to see everything as a big deal, but I can only do it successfully if I am busy dead.
Too bad I am not, for now.
I am turning into some bitch whom I used to despise.
I tried to learn from my old mistakes, but it seems I am making new mistakes again.
This is not I wanted, of course. Can anyone teach me how not to make mistake at all?
How not to hurt anyone, how not to make people disappointed, how to blend in with everyone?
How to make everyone around you happy, how to compromise when there's no win-win, how to be happy and rational at the same time?

People says you don't need to explain to someone who understands you.
I am the one who never tried to be understanding.

I don't know why I am getting more fucked up as I grow.
Like I am not good in dealing everything anymore as I used to be.
So, am I growing or what? F.

I think it lies in me.

How to not care at all, I don't know.
You can't always live in your own world.
I am already brave enough that people close to me are receiving many shocking news of mine lately.

I don't deny not-caring-about-what-people-think characteristic lies in me.
I just need a booster, and perhaps I have found it.
I just need to be more confident.

I didn't know whether its true that I don't care at all when I said I don't care.
I still and will always remember how good people is to me, just I really don't see any future of us.
Maybe yeah, different mind and different ways in life.
I will certainly find some ways to show that I appreciate, to let you know that I care.
But I won't force myself to be perfect for someone anymore, what will stay will stay.

Perfect or imperfect?

I know its hard to realized how imperfect yourself are.
Is there any unconditional love on earth that you don't have to try to be perfect to gain love?

I am not going to be perfect this time.
I don't want to, anymore.
Its even herder to accept the truth that people doesn't love you because you're imperfect.
So why not just show them how imperfect you are from the beginning.

This perfect-or-not thing can no longer beat me down.
Anyway, everyone has different definition for 'perfect'.
So, I don't care anymore.

Blessed to be stupid

I didn't know its good or bad to have someone in your life knowing how clumsy and stupid you are.
Sometimes you aren't that stupid, they treat you like you are a baby and you need their care all the time.
Sometimes you show you are smart, you impress them.
Sometimes something slip your mind and you didn't know you were being stupid, these people suddenly accuse you for acting stupid.
They said you are smart, its impossible that these things can slip your mind.

How should I say?
How blessed it is to be stupid, you know someone would take care of you all the time.
Like they will catch you whenever you fall.
Okay maybe not 'fall', just slip.
How cruel it is to let people feel that when they are already taken care of and they can rely on you no matter what, they still need to be smart.
There is nothing so blissful that you can be stupid all the time.
Somehow you just can't depend on others too much because they won't catch you every time.
You can't feel so safe all the time.

I didn't know what had happened that I am not as smart as before.
Sometimes I think being smart is pathetic. Because being able to be stupid means you have someone right there taking care of you.
I don't want to be some very smart scary women, nobody would want to be that strong.
But sometimes people just don't get you, they don't know if you're stupid in front of them, it means how much you trust them, how much you give them your heart.

I can't describe how sad it is when you already expect so much from yourself, people still blame you for not doing well enough.
I think these are words that can kill.
Its so tiring to be perfectionist as some people will expect extraordinary things from you when they know you are a perfectionist.
They won't forgive you if you make a mistake, because you want perfection, you're not as simple as others.
How I wish I could be more stupid, more innocent, more naive and simpler since I was born.

Haha. You just can't learn to be not-so-smart after you have grown up.

All is well!

Have been in exam mood for quite a long time, all has been well.
Ah no, my mathematics is still sucks as usual.
I pray hard for a good outcome.

:) Giving you a smile here, I'm enjoying this last month in Inti.
Time please go slower, I finally couldn't bear to leave here.
You know what, I have been sleeping so well.
I have been eating well and I realized how could I not controlled by exam.
This feeling is extremely amazing!
I didn't know how to express it here, but I am really grateful.
I want all these to last, that I am approaching a better me.
Thank you, to the person that matters so much to me :))
How I wish to get a picture up here so that you all can get an idea of this.
but yeah, I am too busy to do this Haha.

All is well!
My life is getting more awesome, y'know. :)

I wish it is for real.

Ah, I realized how easy it is to feel loved without me trying hard.

It doesn't need me to flask back everything to find clues.

How pathetic that was Haha.

And now, Life is so good that I moved on well and thanks, for everything.

:)

I didn't really want to hide anything.

Feeling happy recently other than stress from tonnes of past year questions.

Two more weeks to the real A2 exam which I have been longing for.

I wanted to finish it so badly so that I am more secured with my future.

I couldn't live without knowing and planning my future, its like not having a tomorrow.

I always do my best to avoid gossips from people.

I know how it can kill even you just did a minor mistake.

I can't imagine if this happens on me one day, so I stop myself from gossiping.

I don't understand why people judge so much when its none of their business.

They don't feel good by only judging, they even spread it like some awful disease.

I know how interesting it is to gossip but at the same time, you don't know how much it kills people.

I am doing something which I don't approve before.

If my friends stop sharing their things with me, then it is all my fault.

I no longer want to spread it as I was stopped before.

I lost the courage to expose when people around me tried to hide it.

Its not that easy to have the courage. It needs a lot of effort.

Don't ever ask me to hide anything from my loved ones, I can blame myself for don't know how long. 

I think I am not as stressful and hardworking as I was in AS, I am afraid that God might punish me in some ways.

I don't want it, I will make it up, please.

Ah, praying very hard!

Its never easy.

If hurting has to be done to grow, I rather not grow.

I don't understand why people only care about themselves when they claim that they love you.

I guess this love isn't that deep.

It doesn't last too.

I hate it when people do everything to make you trust them, and they break it at last.

Hurt doesn't occur on people who gain trust.

I don't ask for your understanding, I do not want to care at this moment.

I always think emotions can be controlled, so well I am trying.

I know if I care, I'd lose the perfect outcome which I wanted at first, before everything exist.

Its always hard to feel that secured.

If we can make a deal to have a not-breaking-up-ever relationship, how safe could it be.

And I realized I am trying to hide the old me.

Perfect for myself

I don't know how to be perfect when someone is there, willing to do all kind of things for me.
I learn to play all roles in my life perfectly.
I do not want to let anyone down, if you know me.
But its so hard to be perfect to someone who loves you because you thought he'd accept everything of you.
One thing I know is that I can never be a perfect girlfriend.

I do not know what a perfect girlfriend is, because when you can do it well, people lose interest.
You may be perfect to him, but not for another him.

So well, at least I am always trying to be perfect for myself.

I think I am too flexible.

I am always so annoyed when there is noise pollution.
U wake me up from sleep, u spoil my mood for the whole day.
I felt that right now. Inti has a lot of dengue cases and there is fogging almost everyday.
And where I am staying has most mosquito (I think), and my hostel building is the longest among all, so the noise of fogging make me feel so fucked up everyday.
I understand its a must-do work, I also am glad that the school is trying to prevent more cases.
But why can't we reduce the noise so that everyone is happy? Hmm. -.-

Something was stuck in my throat these few days.
I am feeling so nervous and irritated for the exam, maybe.
Ahh. God bless me please.

I know expectation kills.
I know I would have to keep this in mind, so that I don't hurt myself, or anyone who is relevant.

Most of the time when you stop me from doing something, you eventually erase it from my mind.
And then I changed, I'd no longer be that old me.

Never felt so light. Lol!

Aww.
I am not sure whether this is a good or bad sign that thing comes when I least expected it.
I didn't expect my one and a half year in Inti would be so.... amazing?
What I can say is I am really very glad that I have put down all the unnecessary burden that I used to carry with me.
Shouldn't be like that, so I promised myself to make a change.
And yes, I never failed to fulfill every promises of mine so far. :)

Thank you because I have been sleeping well, enjoying my life and studying well at the same time.
I guess my life cannot be better anymore.
Surrounded by love and awesome people, I am more than satisfy and thankful.

God please spread this all over the world, they are flooding me! :)

糟糕一点

不知道你有没有这样的经验。
有些人看起来很糟糕，可是跟他相处久了，你发现他其实一点也不糟糕，甚至很棒。
因为先前的偏见，现在的棒更是双倍。
这些人还可能比你一开始就认为棒的人棒得更多。
我不懂自己糟不糟糕，不过我尽量开始让自己糟糕一点。
如果无法承受因为一点点不完美而造成的别人的失望，那我宁愿一开始就不完美。
宁愿一开始就让大家认为我有点糟糕。
虽然‘知道’我糟糕但还是愿意爱我的人，才是长久的爱。
假装糟糕，总好过假装完美。

原来糟糕一点，生活可以这么快乐。
:)

I can't be young twice.

Some people think life is a game.
You lose if you ever take it serious.
No wonder I am always a loser. Lol.

I would just follow my heart this time, I cannot be young twice.

Felt guilty for being praised?

I know I cannot sleep well at night when I do something wrong.

I have always admitted my mistake to people whom I hurt.

I would always make it up too if I am allowed and managed to do it.

But I never thought I'd have to feel so bad too for being good.

Some people are not willing to see you good, because they compare themselves to you all the time.

I hate being the 'imaginary opponent' of people, even though I know its because I can.

As long as they have this thought, they will not be so sincere to you.

I can't figure out whether its they are nice so they are nice to you, or they actually want people to think that they are nice.

They think this world is realistic, you cannot trust anybody, you don't give your true heart to anybody.

And there's no true friend on earth.

I hope this would never happened on me.

I didn't want to be the top or whatever, I just tried my best in what I am doing.

I am just so lucky that I have tried out some questions before I sat for the exam.

High score doesn't mean anything to me.

Other than 'Omg I was so damn lucky', I never felt so glad.

I didn't know why my lecturer thought that its because of my hard work but not the luckiness, maybe I have built up some kind of hardworking impression for her.

I am always hardworking on what I like, I don't say I deserve this, but I did put in a lot of my effort.

I never thought people might think of me like that when the lecturer praised me in class.

You can deny my high score, you cannot deny my hard work.

Don't worry, I will confess to my lecturer that its just because I am lucky, I am actually not that good.

I am blogging about this now because I didn't sleep well and I just couldn't bear it anymore.

I am feeling very guilty for being praised.

Thank you.

温暖的过客

有些朋友好像过客，他们偶然对你有兴趣，就会来你的世界转两圈。
意兴阑珊时，他们会匆匆又悄悄地离开。
有点良心的会记得你们曾经要好过，良心不多的会把你们之间的事彻底忘记。
当你不小心提醒他你们曾经要好，他还给你一副原来如此的表情。
我不能怪这些人无情，谁叫我比这些人重情义。
他们从来不在乎，这些人总是比较快乐一些。
我只能静静地，希望自己没有为其他重感情的人带来这样的烦恼。
重感情的人总是应该被珍惜，我怕有一天这样的人会在世上消失。
可不可以设一条法令，保护这些渐渐稀有的人种？
不，这些人应该散发更多的爱，更多的感情，感化剩下占大部分的人种。
哈哈 :)

我常常希望自己不是过客。
虽然我知道不可能。
可是对我来说，过客也有分别。
要当怎样的过客，每个人都有自由选择的权利。

No string attached

When friends around are starting their brand new life everywhere else which I am not familiar with, I started to feel lonely. And bored. 

I am so looking forward to starting my new life in university. But at the same time I couldn't bear to leave. 

I know I would miss life in Inti, its simple and nice. 

I never thought I'd developed this kind of feeling in this one and a half year, I once told myself not to. 

I am not really that cool.

You know its so suffering to say goodbye to people you really like after spending only a short period of time. 

I don't really cry over for a goodbye, I usually well-prepare myself before that.

Life is all good except that I screwed my mathematics paper.

I hope I am not getting a 'Fail' grade. 

First time in my life, hah. I am also prepared, not going to be sad over this.

I am so glad I learnt how to let go of things faster than I used to be.

Its definitely a good sign in me. :)

Sleeping well!

I was so mad when 2 pieces of my new clothes went missing.
There is thief or are thieves living around me, making my life so miserable.
I will be extra careful, not giving those ruining-world-image people any damn chance.

I went to merdeka countdown on our national day, which made me realized how important education is.
Not to mention how polluted the environment is, people were not too polite.
I couldn't differentiate whether they were joking or being serious, they were smiling while they used vulgar words.
I only hope Malaysia will be better, a lot better, with more educated people living in this land.
Of course, please act and talk like you're educated.

Nah trial is near, life is boring to be filled with books and exercise.

Thank God, really thank God, I am more than thankful that I have been sleeping well. :))

如果世界不美好，为什么活着？

我总是相信这个世界是美好的。
不管发生什么事，我最不愿意自己怀疑人性。
提防性不高不是因为我粗心大意，我不愿意到处怀疑，觉得走在街上会被打枪，看见不同肤色的人就要拉紧包包。
这个不是我。
我相信人性本善，以前也总是觉得每个人都应该有改过自新的机会。
可是谁来给受害者机会？
第一次犯错的人有机会悔改，那受害者有没有机会忘掉痛苦的经历，重新生活？
现在我开始阻止自己同情犯错的人。这些人在犯错以前先用脑袋思考。
除非他们有生命危险而不得已犯错。

我不愿意胡乱指责无辜的人，如果不是长久下来的观察我不会随便怀疑。
我也害怕这样的指责会深深伤害无辜单纯的人。
可是如果闭门不解释，不为自己洗脱嫌疑，我不想同情这种人。
我不想用有色眼光看人，现实却逼我就范。
如果你还想要你的小命，你的财物，你最好天天戴着有色眼镜。

我不知道应该怎么让自己如人心惶惶。
这样生活很累。
这是一个很好的教训，世上的好人原来寥寥无几。

The sweetest worries.

I got all my breakdown grades today and I am overwhelmed by sweet regret.
Ahh, I didn't know I could have done so well in Physics.
That is what I least expected.
I dropped it when this semester started, I was not confident at all to get an A after AS.
And what made me so hesitate was my lecturer, Mr. Kumar.
I really love him.
I am very certain that if the lecturer wasn't him, I won't have any second thoughts to drop it.
I don't really hate Physics but frankly it increases my stress level. I am not too strong for it yeah?

Well I am not only thankful, I knew God answers my prayer even though I doubted myself so much.
I am also grateful for all the advice given by my seniors, friends, siblings, and those who prayed for me.
This is the sweetest gift I received this year.

2 more months to A2 and I have not started any revision for Physics.
So you know, its quite impossible to grab it back although Mr. Kumar felt pity about this.
Me too, who doesn't?
When I was in dilemma, I actually tried to drag the decision-making time to the very last minute.
The person who might give me some confidence or perhaps make me feeling better was not around.
I got no clue at all, without the verbal support.
So fine, I guess this is what fate called.
Putting it down means I can concentrate more on the other subjects, bringing more hope to achieve the best result.
Yeah, I'd just concentrate on what I wanted, without thinking the consequences of grabbing back Physics anymore.
Anyway, I don't want those sleepless nights come back to me after I have put in those effort.

I just, felt a little sad over this sweetest worries.

Yeah I am having good mood

You're always beautiful to people who loves you. :)

Ahh, keeping long hair is a bit troublesome, just a bit.
I have never had this length of hair before, this is the first time.
Yeah when I was five it was somewhere like this, but I cannot remember how was the feeling already.
My sister would remember, she used to like my long hair so much as she couldn't have it. Hah.
I was complaining to mom, said that I do not know how to sleep.
I do not know which side to lie on when I am lying on bed! :x
Mom asked me to cut it shorter, and then she regrets. 'Don't cut, your hair is so nice.'

I am bringing good news here.
Its a total release that I have been longing for, finally its solved.
I don't know how, I just knew this is the time and I have to be very honest to myself & my parents.
Knowing that they would accept no matter what I am becoming, I am so pleased.
Its not that I am changing anything for my future, just something that lies in me which might pull me down when I am stressed out.
Now this is gone, all gone.
By the way, not changing anything for my future only for now. Lol.

Thank God for everything! xoxo

虚荣心

有一些男人，面对脸上写着 ‘我不想谈恋爱’ 的女人，和开放迎接他们光顾的市场，这些不想谈恋爱的女人总是比较能激发男人的斗志。
只要是喜欢挑战的男人，都会一头栽进去，努力要把女人占为己有。
这是因为男人喜欢挑战，但这也是他们的虚荣心。
有什么比满足自己的虚荣心还要更满足？

有些很棒的女人，她们总是爱上外界认为的坏男人。
有人说这是因为这些女人有自虐倾向，她们愿意这样被伤害，被虐待。
这难道不是女人的虚荣心？
女人以为自己有魔力，魅力大到可以改变一个男人。
如果可以把一个坏男人驯服，那种满足是多么地骄傲。
她们不是故意爱上坏男人，只是她们的虚荣心太可怕。
她们也许只是想证明自己。

可是女人不懂，坏男人就算变乖，也只是暂时的。
不然为什么旁观者说这些女人喜欢自虐？
所以如果你看不过眼，请劝告这些女人不要再爱慕虚荣。

Loving this gift!

Ah thank God for the very good gift.
I am so glad for having this! :))
You know, this time I slept well before the day the result was released.
I just didn't think so much about it, not that nervous the night before.
I thought I improved in mental stability Lol.

I think I have given the best gift for dad, whose birthday was on the same date as my result was released.
I called him with my big good news, didn't know whether he was smiling  :<
Save it daddy, I want to see it when I am home. :)

I have a problem. I just feel happy for a while and that feeling gone fast.
I have to continue to work very hard to maintain this good result.
You know, when you have something good to grab in hand, you wouldn't want to lose it.
I am holding it so tightly that I sometimes feel pain.
Now I gave up one subject, I must do better as I told myself when I decide to drop it.
I don't really understand how people feel relieved after they give it up, I am still not feeling so right.
I think this is the same, I do the same grieving and finally putting down process every time I decided to let go of something.
If you know me, you will know how do I settle those mix feelings.

I didn't sleep last night, I was stressed over something, something that I don't really know what it is.
So I didn't pay for my lunch today, I forgot. Lol.
No worries because I will go back to pay, and I hope this will not happen again.
Twice already.

Life sucks.

I sometimes think, what is the purpose of saving people who spoiled their own health?

Why is happiness not equal to having a healthy lifestyle?

A good doctor saves all life, no matter its of a prisoner or a billionaire or a great person.

So people do whatever they want, eat whatever they eat, until the day they feel its so wrong.

No, until the day their bodies refuse to accept all these anymore.

I don't see any meaning saving these people's life.

Oh my god.

I am so bored studying.

A-level please finish fast.

I swear I won't just make myself concentrate in studies anymore.

How miserable that is. I need a life.

I don't understand, if I don't go out for fun when I am not home, and I need to stay at home when I am home, what else should I do?

You know its so tiring.

永远的偶像

一位我很敬爱的老师说过，第一很快会被取代，只有唯一是永恒的。

李宗伟是我们的唯一。

我不知道昨夜的他是不是一夜好眠，

凡夫俗子的我衷心希望他为自己感到骄傲。

李宗伟是大家永远的偶像。

Ears come first.

Picture taken from  http://thingsweforget.blogspot.com/

How long have you not been listening to your loved ones?
Too often we forget to listen, by ears and by heart.
There are too many people speaking in this world, how many of us actually listen before we speak?

I think this world will be more beautiful with more people wanting to listen.
Now, you speak first.

Everything is on track!

It is so amazing feeling happy without any reason.

Sometimes it is hard to find yourself happy when life is too usual until you get bored.

I guess the happy feeling is so real when you have nothing special to be happy for.

Maybe its just that everything is on the right track, so what I need to do is just be happy for it, and of course, Thank God. :)

Carmen, lovely lady, always calm and sweet. :)

Sisters!

Pictures were taken during secondary school mates' party.
Too little showed up and too much food left. Should have ate more. Lol.
Looking forward to attending a second party, hoping more people would attend.
A big thank you for susu, jie wen and yiling who have done so much. Thank you!

Ahh, how wonderful life is! <3

Confident angels

I don't think its a good idea looking down on yourself.
A girl can be ridiculous, annoying or whatever else, people who loves her say its cute.
A girl can be hot-tempered or acting like a princess, people who treasures her say its their pleasure to serve her.
A girl can't be looking down on herself, because when she does this, people eventually leaves.

When you start to believe that you are not good enough for your partner, he feels bad.
He consoles you and praised you a lot, because you are his angel.
But you know, the more you don't approve yourself, the sooner he gets annoyed and bored.
Who on earth can see the good in you when you don't even think you are good?
Even angels need to be confident.
So they can perform better, help people out there with their best effort.
Since you are an angel for him, why not try to accept this wonderful fact and yes, believe that you are as beautiful as what he thinks?
Even if you can't really do this, just keep in mind, this is a bad thing that isn't suitable to be shared.
The more you tell, the more he runs. This is definitely not your dream, but it eventually come true.
And please, you are beautiful the way you are.

So come on girls, have faith in yourself.
Not only for your relationship, this is for you, of you.
Of course, if you just said it for fun (drawing attention for your boyfriend), it annoys him too.
You can't tell too much, maybe once.  :)

Jaycee dugard

Oh my God.
I feel so awful reading this book 'A Stolen Life' by Jaycee Dugard.
I have no words to describe but I dream about it whenever I was asleep.
Neither any of the dream comes from something in the book nor what I am going to learn in it.
I think I can write a pretty good story too by including all my dreams. (the content of this book is true)
I just know I have to quickly finish it up so that I can have tighter sleep afterwards.
I think I am not the only one, that many of you would have feel the same as me.
It's like you can feel what is felt by the author, of course not as much, but you can somehow understand.
I sometimes think it's my natural talent that I am more sentimental in a good way.
And that is why I am so interested in people's mind and feeling.
I hope I have the talent to make people talk more to me, so that I can discover and understand more about people's mind.
Of course, I will try to help with all I can, if I could do something really professional one day.

If you would ask me whether or not to read this book, I do not know.
It's a very sad one, and it kept me in a bad mood.
I often put it down as I couldn't stand the sadness anymore.
But if you would like to try, go ahead, Jaycee Dugard is so brave and there is certainly something we can think about.

Perhaps you have heard of her, or not.
Here is some link about the abduction.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2011896/Jaycee-Lee-Dugard-talks-painful-birth-paedophile-David-Garridos-yard.html

xoxo

Flooded with love is something really amazing!
I don't know why I am missing home so much!
:D

xx

Happy with easier life, but not with myself.

For the first time in my life, I have made a decision which would make my life a lot more easier.
Some friends said that I always chose not to enjoy life too much, even though I have the chance to do so.
The truth is, I never dare to.
I never thought I have the right to do that, when I compare myself to everyone out there.
And I have no idea yet, on how to enjoy my life at this young age.

I chose something challenging to do, to prove myself, or maybe to make myself busier.
I can't sit there doing nothing for just half a day.
Time should not be wasted like that.
Okay after crapping so much, I finally gave up something I have been working hard on.
I thought I'd happy, very happy, because I never like that.
But its not exactly like what I thought.
Now that I realized I couldn't even predict my mood, I always thought I can well control myself.
I didn't know why it is and I myself can't figure out, I also find nobody to talk to.
There is always reasons people can't understand, because they had never gone through what appeared in your life.
They can't understand your family, your future, your mind and definitely, your heart.

I am not that kind of person who give up easily, I can work with things or people that I don't like.
But there's a voice somewhere in me, telling me to be brave and take risk rather than just playing safe all the time.
And when you give up something, something else more beautiful will eventually come to you.
I am often so proud seeing people around me making choice based on their preference, or even envy them because, I always can't persuade myself to make that choice.
I am not a brave person after all, I care too much.
And seriously, sometimes I don't even have to care, nobody is gonna care that much like I do.
xx, I am like venting anger all over.
This is about myself, nobody's else fault.

I am just very wondering, have I started to like the thing that I have worked on it so much, until I can't bear to leave it?
No wonder people says, you give first, then you love.
How true.
Or maybe, I am just unwilling to give up on something I once worked very hard on.

I feel like telling, so much.

Smile makes You Beautiful!

I am so happy welcoming my last semester for A-level.
Seriously, I didn't know who or what chased away all fear and worry of mine.
Few more months, I will fulfill what I have been wanting. :)

Thank God, I am so blessed.
I think I have more than one pair of parents who make my life so wonderful.
HEHE!

This girl always make my day.
I certainly will miss her parents, and her as well, sweetheart! :D

Keep a pet?

I once had an idea to keep a pet, for fun.

I think this never happen because my family members are either allergic to fur or scare of small animals.

No kidding, I am only on my way to 'be able to stay close' with dogs and cats.

I am still afraid of some if I don't know them, and it is even worse if they look fierce.

When my friend said she wants to keep a pet, I was a little sad.

I don't know how to handle animal's emotion when I can't even handle human's.

And when you have so many people to take care of, how do you spare time for your little pet?

Some people keep a pet to keep themselves company, some people need dogs to guard their house.

I just don't know how to settle the sadness that will certainly come when your pet dies, one day.

This is not something fun.

Maybe, when you can't find anyone to love, get a pet.

Pet heals every wound. :)

Again, if.

Losing a person in your life is the best catalyst to make you alert of what you have done in your life.

I didn't know what would I do if I am already a doctor, or if he is more closer to me.

How important it is to care about every single person around you in your life.

You don't have enough time for everyone of course, and a little neglect leads you to regret. 

I never thought that something I studied for exam and something appeared in book actually happened in my life.

And it was so close.

A girlfriend of mine who wants to be a lawyer told me that being a lawyer is her way to protect her family.

I am too, being a doctor means giving protection for my family and friends.

I hate the feeling of giving life of your loved ones to some people whom you don't know, even though they are all professionals.

But who do you believe if there are different theories?

At least if I am one, I would know better what to do.

I am not sure whether Malaysia's doctors are all having bad reputation, most of the people in this country do not trust them.

I am very disappointed when I heard something like this because this means that there will be a lot of people talking bad behind my back, if I really become a doctor.

I can only try my best to explain, sometimes it is too hard for family members who have lost their loved one to understand doctor's explanations.

Then, doubt arises everywhere.

If there is some agents whose job is to turn medical explanation to something non-doctors can understand, it would be perfect.

I am very tired after thinking all these, goodnight.

The Heart Never Lies

I must make sure I treasure all I have for every now and then.
I do not know whether giving needs repay, I just want to make sure everyone feels good.
I think when someone choose not to alert you of his personal business, he may either love you too much or, he doesn't trust you at all.
I do not prefer any of these.

Sometimes I do mistakes which I hate so much when people around me does that.
Its hard to keep it in mind unless I am totally not influenced by people around me, which is, impossible.
So I need a reminder everyday, before I fall asleep. :)

Ah, Happy dumpling festival! (dumpling is more important than dragon boat)
Luckily I am home for my grandma's dumpling!
You know, they are the best in the world. Hehee!

我讨厌任何习惯

如果爱情只是靠感觉，什么都会变得简单得多。
谁让你那么势力。

没有人和你分享喜怒哀乐，好像所有心情都是假的。
我很霸道，我没有办法接受要我分享却让我对他无法了解的人。
如果你不愿意分享，我懒得维系任何一段关系。
不管那是亲情，友情或爱情，没有双方面的付出，没有互相需要，对我来说都是屁。
我知道感情不是言语可以形容，如果无法表达这些不可以形容的言语，最亲密的人也会变成陌生人。

我脾气暴躁，应该要好好控制情绪，温柔的女人总是比较可爱。
我突然觉得，不管是爱情友情或亲情，只要不努力，什么都会变质。
原来习惯是世界上最可怕的东西。

如果你理解信任，你知道你不会做任何一些让信任你的人怀疑的事。
当你有顾虑，你已经在开始伤害给予信任的人。
仗着信任而不顾信任你的人的感受，你不配拥有这份信任。
所以你没有资格责怪他收回原本撒出去的，交给你保管的心。

Hooray?

People look for better living place, better person in life, better self, better life.
I assume this is people's instinct.
I am stuck in a very disgusting hostel block that I couldn't bear with it anymore.
Half a year more to go, I can't decide whether to move.
I don't know why I can hear noise all around since it is an open-air building.
I don't know why the only washing machine of my block is so dirty that I would rather wash by my hands.
But you know, I wear jeans to school.
I don't know why my cup and broom suddenly disappeared from me when new batch of students came in.
I don't know why this building is so dirty and it just looks disgusting.
I also don't know why I am so unlucky to be arranged in this building.
I am not sure whether I should lodge a complaint, seems like I am the only who complained so much.
I really am not sure.
This makes me think, why do we angry with people who leave this country to look for a better life?
I might change my mind.

Oppsss finished AS and like finally, long-term exam mode can be turned off!

I am so excited for Sentosa trip with my awesome girls!

:D

Holiday was so great that I almost forgot I have 2 more papers to go!

Meeting up with all friends released me from stress, and I know that is what friends are for. x)

It was too warm when someone you never expected call in the midnight, or text telling you that you're in his/her mind.

That is power of an old friend. :)

I am so lazy if catching up means asking 'how are you' to start a conversation.

How sweet it is to crap things that happened and eventually, you will know how good I am while I see happiness in your eyes.

I don't know how to make this happen but I am sure this is from both side, you and I will definitely know how. :)

Hehee!

Still not enough

I am afraid of changes, especially when that is of people around me.

Looking back at those time I realized how much I own, and how afraid I am to lose them all.

I would like to say I am trying my best to treasure them all, but who knows if I have never done enough.

Do you really believe that sometimes when you change, people around you will still love you as who you are.

I think there's always an option, they can choose to still love you, or not.

Of course I know this is something uncontrollable, so let's not blame anyone.

Time flies so fast and I actually wish it flies faster.

I can't wait to finish A-level as it has been torturing me, also I am glad that I have been concentrating in studies, I have no any excuse for my result.

So, half an a year more to go.

I realized there are some nights which I can hardly fall asleep, I was just too excited about my future.

:)

Why try so hard.

I always think I can control everything if I really want it.

For example, I will persuade myself not to scare of cockroaches because other than they can fly and they are so much dirty, they have nothing for me to scare of.

I also think I can conquer the fear towards corpse if I really want to be a doctor.

Those are things that if I make the effort, I can definitely do it.

But sometimes, why try so hard.

I don't force myself to be with someone I am not so fond of, its not only because that person doesn't make me feel good, its also because that person is not able to make me see the good in me.

Maybe its not the good in me, maybe just some happiness.

I am afraid that if you let someone sees you thoroughly, you will eventually lose the interest to be be friend with that person.

What if what comes to your mind when you see that friend is all about your weaknesses, your dark side or everything lame about you.

How scary it is.

So maybe, try to share your problems, weaknesses, dark side with few friends, not just one.

And what in my mind was, if I bring out your bright side, you will like me more. x)

All the single ladies!

4 more papers! Hooray!  :DD

You are lucky to sleep well every night.

It's not easy to sleep soundly every night.

I will have pretty mood the next day with a good night sleep.

I don't know if I am really so stress that even if I don't have important event on the next day, I still find it hard to sleep well like a baby.

Maybe I am wanting too much, hoping too much and I am punished as I shouldn't have done all these.

Someone please tell me this is not only because of mental, there is some other reasons.

I am annoyed by people telling me that its all because I am too stress.

No way.

If you're born with a pretty face, you are just so damn lucky.

There's nothing to be proud of.

If you despise people who doesn't look as good as you, go to hell, you don't deserve that look.

Or maybe, you will lose some things in return.

I am missing home already.

So wrong this time

I have been trusting my theory and now, I think I am not so right.
These are all my personal judgement I feel disgusted thinking of this.
I do not want to hurt anyone and please, this gonna kill me if you're thinking so.
I sometimes refuse to think that much anymore like how I used to be, I am happier of course but what it takes made me feel so wrong.
Some of the things you just have to think about it over and over again until you get one perfect solution.
Of course I know perfection doesn't exist, as long as people who is getting hurt now think that its perfect, then it is.
I have no idea how to solve this problem.

When I am in a dilemma.

Done with 3 papers and I am exhausted. I hope evrything left will go smooth, I will continue to pray hard. And I want to thank all friends who wish me luck, whether you said, or you wished me in your heart. :) Chemistry paper 3 was such a nightmare that for the first time in my life, I added too much distilled water in the dilution part. I didn't understand why as I never did this mistake before. I was so nervous and thank God I have an angel with me at that moment. I love Miss Chong, I will remember this forever. What came to my mind was I would screw this paper and my A level result will never be perfect. Then I would hug everyone whom I love and cry to them until I lost all my tears. Luckily I didn't have to, but I don guarantee an A too. Have you ever imagined what you would probably do if you have done some mistakes and you were sure you have no time to redo? You would just screw your paper and sit there crying or maybe, try some luck, asking your friend to tell you his answer? I couldn't imagine that. I understand everyone makes mistakes, everyone is nervous for exam, everyone may screw their paper. Would you choose to risk your friend's life too because of your mistake? I thought I would never done that, I didn't came up with this idea when I thought I screwed. I only think I would have to retake or whatever else. I would never forgive myself if I make us get caught, and if my friend is banned from exam for me. This is unforgivedable, for me. I don't expect you to think that much when you met this kind of situation, I only know if this come to your mind when you make a mistake in the important moment, you already lost my trust. You cannot regret anymore after doing this, maybe you won't, but this is a dirty mind that you cannot erase from your life. Well perhaps you think I am being too serious, I just am. I don't respect people who set the other people in a dilemma. What would you do if your friend refuse to give you answer? Hate him forever? Go ahead. I don't expect any more things from you. Sorry I am not going to hide, I am very angry about this. And I don't feel bad at all, but I don't regret I helped. If you could understand. Sometimes people says you need not to be too serious towards life. I seriously don't know how. Anyway, It's May, I always love May! Hehee :DD

God will send me his love.

I think I will make the same birthday wishes for my every coming birthday, until I make it true.
Or maybe not by myself, because this all depends on fate, and I need God to hear me.

I want a soul mate.

I don't care about anything else if there's a man can understand all my feelings without me explaining, and I will be more glad if I don't have to feel disappointed for not being understood.
You know how wonderful life would turn into if you have someone like that.
I promise I would appreciate him until the day I die, I promise I will love him with all I can, just like how he loves me.

He will be able to soothe me in bed when I have sleepless nights, telling me everything is perfectly okay until I fall asleep securely.
He will be able to accompany me to everywhere to fulfill my dream and at the same time, doing his own business successfully.
I called it win-win situation.
He will be able to speak my feelings when I don't feel like doing so, telling people what I am thinking so I can save my time to do some more thinking.
He will be able to listen to me for everything that he never thought of, and maybe comment on judgement that I have made.
He will be able to see me as his little girl, his respectable teacher in life, his amazing friend, his powerful wife, and his one and only one soul mate.
He loves and takes care all I have, he makes everyone around me happy, he makes everything of mine beautiful.

I am looking for a superman.
I know everyone can see that.
Whatever, years after I am gonna walk into my marriage with a man like this, because I am believing God will send him to me one day, and I will pray for his arrival.

I love it when I catch you looking at me, then you smile and look away.

I know I am being disgusting, but this comes only a few times in a life time. :)

You stupid children

If Mother Earth is mother of all mankind, she's certainly sad about having us under the exposure of the strong sun right now.
She is definitely sad for not being to protect us all from intensive UV light.
but we all know she already tried her best, while her children are hurting her without feeling guilty.
Who on earth can be so noble.
I rather to see her free from all these suffering, if this means we children have to die too.
I can't bear seeing her sad when she is growing us up.

What on earth is happening.
I know there's not even a mother on earth would call her child 'stupid'.

I would love a businessman husband.

Talked to my girlfriends about being businesswomen.
I have a mindset that kind people should not go for business as I think they can't probably earn big money and they're so easily to get cheated.
When you're an adult you can't deny how cruel and realistic this world is, and who knows when do people around you use you or take advantage on you.
I strongly objected my kind girlfriends to get involved in business field.
Well I am worry about them, and I kinda afraid these good girls are going to be evil if they ever become a businesswoman.
However after I think twice, I know good people will still be good, as long as they have close friends and family to stay with them, tell them how nice they actually are.
And this world would be more beautiful with these kind businessmen and businesswomen.
Perhaps kind people get cheated at first, but in the long term, people trust them and they not only earn money, they earn everything.
So I changed my mind.
As long as you, my kind, cute and caring girlfriend is not going to get cheated for like 3 times or more, go for it.
I also believe kindness can be spread, so make more businessmen and women kind, then everything will be wonderful.
I know you will. :)

Sometimes I need to watch fairy tale movie, this makes me believe in beautiful people and things.
I actually like to watch fairy tale movie. Lol.

Off to aunt's house for my before-AS-weekend!
Cheers people and happy studying! :)

Time cures everything.

Now that I realized, there's nothing more important than heart. 

I used to care about appearance so much and I was too silly to believe that character can be changed. 

But for now, heart is all I care. 

I always know a leopard doesn't change its spots. 

Sometimes you don't notice that you change your preference until people around you remind you. 

Then you realized, its impossible for you to get back to what you used to like, or even fell in love with. Because once bitten, twice shy. 

I am always glad that I did not hurt anyone so hard. 

If it takes a long time to recover, I know I would be strong enough to overcome everything, I'd rather I am the one getting hurt. Because I know to hurt someone, you need a whole life time to forgive yourself, or maybe not. 

She said, 'Trust me, you will find someone who loves you with your complicated, serious, interesting and cute characteristics.' 

Thou I know I am kinda boring. ;) 

I miss this girl so much, she is my love.

I know, time cures everything.

And past memories grow you up, into a better person.

Fragile is cute. Lol!

Loving someone makes you fragile, but why should we always stay strong? :)

You will miss the feeling you smile to sleep, the night over night sweet dreams and waking up feeling life is good.



Sometimes you have to let people gives you passion, towards everything. Hehee.

Shines my world

You know, I often wish I could be like some other girls, simple and cute.




The whole world shines when you are in love with someone.
But to be in love, I need so much courage.

I am expecting something which shines my world.

God, bless me, please.

I mean, seriously, I never thought I have tried my best in everything that I have done.
As long as the outcome is not as good as what I wanted, I will never give myself a reward.
How could you not hate yourself?
I mean, there's definitely something you don't really like about yourself that you can't make it perfect.
When people tell me how much they like themselves, I am seriously jealous.
How could you do that without blaming yourself for anything?
I already salute people who don't always feel bad for themselves, then how about people who like themselves so much?
I am not only jealous, I salute them.
I hope I can be like them, maybe not so much, just more than what I have been doing.

Life is hectic and I hope I will do well in everything.
Will be sitting for AS within 3 weeks time.

People says try your best and leave the rest to God.
So what if I already tried and I didn't get the outcome I want?
Does it mean that God thinks I don't deserve what I want?
Then its my fault.

Ow alright enough, I am enjoying this hectic life anyway.
Wish me luck!

When I am 26

When you're 13, you think world is wonderful and you will spend your whole life time to discover every sweetest thing on earth, and you started to worry you have got no enough time.

When you're 15, you found out not all things are beautiful, even love fades. You urged to gain more knowledge & experience, thinking that you might make thing different the next time.

When you're 16, you realize good is sometimes fake and bad is not really bad, everything has a grey uncertainty. You feel a little disappointed and also wondered.

When you're 17, you know life can't be meaningless, you are more hardworking than ever, you thought you might be changing the world when you can't bear seeing people starving while some people is wasting even if your mom tells you this is the fact and we probably can't change a thing, just make sure we're rich to waste.

When you're 19, you doubt when people around you started to earn their first salary, also enjoying their life while they're studying in school, having their meaningful life that you once thought it means nothing, and you hold your dream still. You still want to be a little different.

But sometimes, when nobody reminds you about your dream, you forget about it.

And when you're 25, you're living their meaningful life, having more fun thinking that commitment can be made when you have had enough joy.

When you're 28, you have a career, a husband/wife or probably a child, you can't leave all these behind, you say you can't be selfish. You can't anymore pursue your dream.


Then I don't want to turn 25, when I have to look into reality too hard.
I appreciate every remind from my little brother & my best friends.

Nothing is good.

I didn't mean to put any shit on my blog but I can't help because other than here, nobody deserves my shit.




I'm so sorry I am doing nothing good.

If there's any unhappiness.

I have been a sweet tooth these days which I think its not a good sign.
Other than gaining weight, I might become less healthy compared to the old me.
Despite the fact that I couldn't get over it, I chose to accept it until the day I am sick of it.
I know this day will come, just like you will be sick of anything of yours in any one day.



I am not in the mood and I am also lazy to spill or to keep.
I keep my voice most of the time as I knew no matter what I say, nobody is gonna listen, and of course, I don't think you ever understand.
I still believe that every joke has its purpose.
If I weren't that close to you, I don't simply make jokes on you.
Who knows if you care.
I would know I am not in the position to tease you, so that is why I don't accept every jokes from everybody.
I just don't wanna make anyone unpleasant, even a tiny mood swing.
I don't allow myself to do that.

I am very sleepy everyday in this exam period.

Disguise is an art for life.

Now that I know, people disguise themselves most with confidence.
I say this is a good thing, you know how important it is to be confident.
Friends come to you, family set you free, teachers adore you, even future ensure you.
Some people show you that they're confident, they are actually not.
I understand what is the story behind because I've done that too, and I think I might still need that in some cases in the future.
I can't deny that I need to fake some confidence when I bump into something which doesn't secure me.
The problem is, disguise is difficult to be handled and I always hope people doesn't look through me like I only left a little heartbeat for some situations.
Disguise is an art for life.

Hmm there is people who is over-confident but they like to disguise themselves in 'I-am-no-good-at-all' skin.
I say some of them are with poor acting skill.
I don't bother to give them praise as this makes their disguise even more obvious.
I care about their success in disguising.
I am not that kind, but I sincerely hope that they show out what they've got.
Confidence is something to be proud of, but of course, abilities and talent come before confidence and pride.
Its like an insult to hide your ability to people, as you probably think people might feel uneasy with your amazing talent.
Just like what people said, true friends don't get jealous of your greatness.

I think I am all bull-shitting, so you may just ignore me.