Still not enough

I am afraid of changes, especially when that is of people around me.

Looking back at those time I realized how much I own, and how afraid I am to lose them all.

I would like to say I am trying my best to treasure them all, but who knows if I have never done enough.

Do you really believe that sometimes when you change, people around you will still love you as who you are.

I think there's always an option, they can choose to still love you, or not.

Of course I know this is something uncontrollable, so let's not blame anyone.

Time flies so fast and I actually wish it flies faster.

I can't wait to finish A-level as it has been torturing me, also I am glad that I have been concentrating in studies, I have no any excuse for my result.

So, half an a year more to go.

I realized there are some nights which I can hardly fall asleep, I was just too excited about my future.

:)

Why try so hard.

I always think I can control everything if I really want it.

For example, I will persuade myself not to scare of cockroaches because other than they can fly and they are so much dirty, they have nothing for me to scare of.

I also think I can conquer the fear towards corpse if I really want to be a doctor.

Those are things that if I make the effort, I can definitely do it.

But sometimes, why try so hard.

I don't force myself to be with someone I am not so fond of, its not only because that person doesn't make me feel good, its also because that person is not able to make me see the good in me.

Maybe its not the good in me, maybe just some happiness.

I am afraid that if you let someone sees you thoroughly, you will eventually lose the interest to be be friend with that person.

What if what comes to your mind when you see that friend is all about your weaknesses, your dark side or everything lame about you.

How scary it is.

So maybe, try to share your problems, weaknesses, dark side with few friends, not just one.

And what in my mind was, if I bring out your bright side, you will like me more. x)

All the single ladies!

4 more papers! Hooray!  :DD

You are lucky to sleep well every night.

It's not easy to sleep soundly every night.

I will have pretty mood the next day with a good night sleep.

I don't know if I am really so stress that even if I don't have important event on the next day, I still find it hard to sleep well like a baby.

Maybe I am wanting too much, hoping too much and I am punished as I shouldn't have done all these.

Someone please tell me this is not only because of mental, there is some other reasons.

I am annoyed by people telling me that its all because I am too stress.

No way.

If you're born with a pretty face, you are just so damn lucky.

There's nothing to be proud of.

If you despise people who doesn't look as good as you, go to hell, you don't deserve that look.

Or maybe, you will lose some things in return.

I am missing home already.

So wrong this time

I have been trusting my theory and now, I think I am not so right.
These are all my personal judgement I feel disgusted thinking of this.
I do not want to hurt anyone and please, this gonna kill me if you're thinking so.
I sometimes refuse to think that much anymore like how I used to be, I am happier of course but what it takes made me feel so wrong.
Some of the things you just have to think about it over and over again until you get one perfect solution.
Of course I know perfection doesn't exist, as long as people who is getting hurt now think that its perfect, then it is.
I have no idea how to solve this problem.

When I am in a dilemma.

Done with 3 papers and I am exhausted. I hope evrything left will go smooth, I will continue to pray hard. And I want to thank all friends who wish me luck, whether you said, or you wished me in your heart. :) Chemistry paper 3 was such a nightmare that for the first time in my life, I added too much distilled water in the dilution part. I didn't understand why as I never did this mistake before. I was so nervous and thank God I have an angel with me at that moment. I love Miss Chong, I will remember this forever. What came to my mind was I would screw this paper and my A level result will never be perfect. Then I would hug everyone whom I love and cry to them until I lost all my tears. Luckily I didn't have to, but I don guarantee an A too. Have you ever imagined what you would probably do if you have done some mistakes and you were sure you have no time to redo? You would just screw your paper and sit there crying or maybe, try some luck, asking your friend to tell you his answer? I couldn't imagine that. I understand everyone makes mistakes, everyone is nervous for exam, everyone may screw their paper. Would you choose to risk your friend's life too because of your mistake? I thought I would never done that, I didn't came up with this idea when I thought I screwed. I only think I would have to retake or whatever else. I would never forgive myself if I make us get caught, and if my friend is banned from exam for me. This is unforgivedable, for me. I don't expect you to think that much when you met this kind of situation, I only know if this come to your mind when you make a mistake in the important moment, you already lost my trust. You cannot regret anymore after doing this, maybe you won't, but this is a dirty mind that you cannot erase from your life. Well perhaps you think I am being too serious, I just am. I don't respect people who set the other people in a dilemma. What would you do if your friend refuse to give you answer? Hate him forever? Go ahead. I don't expect any more things from you. Sorry I am not going to hide, I am very angry about this. And I don't feel bad at all, but I don't regret I helped. If you could understand. Sometimes people says you need not to be too serious towards life. I seriously don't know how. Anyway, It's May, I always love May! Hehee :DD

God will send me his love.

I think I will make the same birthday wishes for my every coming birthday, until I make it true.
Or maybe not by myself, because this all depends on fate, and I need God to hear me.

I want a soul mate.

I don't care about anything else if there's a man can understand all my feelings without me explaining, and I will be more glad if I don't have to feel disappointed for not being understood.
You know how wonderful life would turn into if you have someone like that.
I promise I would appreciate him until the day I die, I promise I will love him with all I can, just like how he loves me.

He will be able to soothe me in bed when I have sleepless nights, telling me everything is perfectly okay until I fall asleep securely.
He will be able to accompany me to everywhere to fulfill my dream and at the same time, doing his own business successfully.
I called it win-win situation.
He will be able to speak my feelings when I don't feel like doing so, telling people what I am thinking so I can save my time to do some more thinking.
He will be able to listen to me for everything that he never thought of, and maybe comment on judgement that I have made.
He will be able to see me as his little girl, his respectable teacher in life, his amazing friend, his powerful wife, and his one and only one soul mate.
He loves and takes care all I have, he makes everyone around me happy, he makes everything of mine beautiful.

I am looking for a superman.
I know everyone can see that.
Whatever, years after I am gonna walk into my marriage with a man like this, because I am believing God will send him to me one day, and I will pray for his arrival.

I love it when I catch you looking at me, then you smile and look away.

I know I am being disgusting, but this comes only a few times in a life time. :)